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January 2009

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A concerned reader As it has now bee...

On the Move | 26th January 2009, 22:35  
One cannot, and will not, begin to journalise the minutiae of the past two and a half years. Now 10 years older I am in my prime and to be fair somewhat disheartened by my lifetime's achievements thus far. Yes, okay I've eaten the finest liver pâté, and starred fleetingly in a Sci-Fi movie but what have I done of merit, really? To be fair I have neglected this blog; since my discovery of a "MacBook" down the side of the sofa I can no longer blame Ashley stealing my démodé computer for my continued lack of web presence. When I checked my emails I could scarcely believe I had a comment, the first in four and a half long years. It does flatter oneself to not only have a diminutive following but also one that cares for one's wellbeing. So now some of tit-bits from the past few months:

The appearance of a Picea abies (L.) specimen in the lounge signals in the start ceremonial of Christmas period. With my more youthful years behind me, I have now made peace with the Christmas tree having finally discovered its true purpose. Obviously the family cleverly arrange the series of boxes of differing heights beneath the tree to assist me in reaching the lower limbs and allowing me to benefit from their back-scratching potentials.

The Christmas day arrived, perhaps signalled by a phase of the moon or the nights beginning to shorten again. The elders and their childs entered their frenzied trace-like fettle and rampantly tore at the decorative box encasings. I watched as chocolates, clothes and flummeries emerged. Then I spotted it. The final missing item from operation "katze-abenteuer": a suitably sized suitcase. Finally, I can follow my trusty bed warmer back to Yuniver, the mythical uncharted city.

Knapsack packed with entertainment and food for a journey of unknown length, I hoped that it wouldn't be as uncomfortable as my expedition to the ISS. Not to worry the family by my absence I arranged for Espen, one of the stunt doubles from my film-years, to stand in. Already trained in my idiosyncrasies he could fool even the most perceptive of humans, and even mother now that she has turned to the "nip".


A bit tight in the "tail area"

Before leaving I met up with Graeme - oh how he has aged. Recently, he came in to some good fortune when a vacancy became available with the Cat Lady across the black country. (Poor Tom; may he purr in peace). He told me that he was now going by the pseudonym "Harry" and spent most of his time pottering around the cosy house. I hardly recognised the poor fellow. I worry that he may not be here on my return, but he couldn't be in a better place - not many establishments come with a quality roaring log fire these days.

It was a bumpy journey, stowed away vertically in the suitcase. Luckily the suitcase was only lightly packed with a selection of clean clothes for me to snuggle in. I don't know why the elders were going on about Yuniver because Ashley and his mate most definitely live in Coventry, unless the transportation station has been inaccurately signposted. The faith I had placed in Ashley's indifference to unpacking was well founded and the case remained untouched as they settled in another room.

I adopted the reverse Claurflique method to unzip the suitcase; ambitious and perilous it may be, but you never know who might have been observing and a cat cannot be allowed to pass up any opportunity to make a good impression. Unfortunately, my perfectly executed unveiling went unnoticed. From the subtle visual clues perceptible only to an attuned feline I designated this room to be the bedroom. As a well-trafficked area would prove an unsuitable hideout I moved into the corridor and into what appeared, from the bed being on its side against the wall, to be a scarcely used spare-bedroom. The bed, topped with folded quilt and pillow, was perfectly elevated, acceptably comfortable, came with an all-important window view and was hidden behind a door.

It didn't take long for the humans to leave me in peace; this was my time to explore my new surrounds. The flat was certainly very different to the Elders' abode; laminate flooring, stark white walls, ugh Swedish furniture, and industrial-sized gazing windows. It would transpire that my new home was elevated in more significant ways than I had previously considered - I was on the 7th floor. Pleasantly, there were many bookshelves, one of which held a tome that made my heart skip several beats. Ashley has a copy of the holy text - The Devious Books for Cats. The things he could know of feline kind; our venerable history, our shadowy influence over domestic and world affairs, the secrets behind our honed hunting tactics, and our subversive human control techniques. It would explain his mastery of cuddles...

The most intriguing part of the flat was the hall. Seven doors. The purpose of five of these was obvious. The sixth was shut, but off the latch. Again my mother's training was invaluable and in ways I cannot detail here I teased the door open. Oh My God. Yay! Could any sight warm the heart of cat more? An entire room filled with boxes. Big. Empty boxes. And tissue paper! It took me right back to my kitten days. I wanted to shred each and every coloured sheet but the seventh door piqued my attention. It gurgled. Before I had time to investigate I heard an external door creak open and quickly shut the joyful sixth door and made for my hideout.

Ashley and his mate had returned. Contented with enough excitement for one day I snuggled into the pillows and had a nibble on some of the treats I had packed. I couldn't stop pondering about what lay behind the seventh door. From here I can hear its glugs and gurgles. I have consulted the Text and must agree with its content. Since I have now ruled out ghosts, monkeys, dirigibles, murderers and robot dogs this logically leaves the only one alternative; I must surmise a parallel dimension is beyond, full of everything a cat could desire!

There is much more for me to explore, especially how I can leave this lofty flat and investigate its surroundings. But first thing in the morning I must add some pouches of cat food to the Sainsbury's online shopping list they just submitted.

Hope to be in touch again soon.
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